BUT – although this may be the feeling
wineries want to convey, sometimes it has to be said that they fall short and
tipple over into the trite, the hackneyed and “oh god I suppose we’d better
roll out that phrase again”. Personally – as an ex-marketer myself – I blame
the marketing managers because we sure do like to flower stuff up. So - bearing
in mind that I am guilty of having used many of these phrases at one time or
another, here is a cynical eye deciphering some particular favourites with the
simple aim of providing a few seasonal (if wry) smiles.
Back
Label Tasting Notes
Picked
at optimal ripeness/harvested in perfect condition
– cos we can’t say anything great about low yields or old vines, else we would.
The
farm’s rich heritage – well, we’ve been rich for a
very long time so please buy this bottle and keep funding us okay?
Family-owned
and run – cos everyone’s too dim to go out and get
a proper job elsewhere which is why we have to keep employing them here.
Perfect
for every occasion – pig-sticking, bikini-waxing,
septic-tank-emptying – no really, it’ll work.
Award-winning – ja well, the Order of the Purple Elephant from the Suriname
International Wine Show as well as a double bronze from the Kyrgyzstan
All-comers Drinks Awards isn’t to be sniffed at you know.
A
Few Food-Matching Gems Explained.
Needs
food – tough as old boots.
Perfect
with poultry – really?? Care to narrow that down a
bit? Poulet de Bresse or KFC??
Suggested
food match is stir-fried armadillo toes in a blackcurrant compote with sautéed
organic spelt grass and pressed polenta croutons.
Yeah right.
Great
with cheese, meats, poultry, fish or even on its own – any food groups you missed out there? Nope, didn’t think so.
And just so you don’t think I’m not completely
aware of my own shortcomings, foibles and overdone phrases, here are a few
wine-writer specials that I think you might enjoy.
Harmonious,
elegant, restrained, sophisticated – I can’t really
think of too much to say here wine-wise, but the packaging was quite smart.
Delicious,
gluggable, yummy, more-ish – I’m soooo a
‘writer-of-the-people’ and really dig this cheap shit you’ve sent me to review.
Very
Côte Rôtie/Pouilly-Fumé/Left Bank – I don’t really
have a clue what I’m talking about when it comes to wine styles, but I went on
Wikipedia and the grape varieties are correct so hopefully I can get away with
this. And look – I did accents and everything.
Good
for the next 3-5 years – by which time I trust you’ll have forgotten it was me who gave you that advice when you find your precious fresh & fruity Sauvignon has turned to waxy, sheep lineament and tastes perfectly foul.
Any more gems you care to add? Feel free to
suggest them below J